Good Morning!

I have officially started training for my Half Marathon. My mileage is low, but I'm mixing it up with some cardio classes for right now. Don't worry, I'm going to start bumping up the mileage when I return from a backpacking trip next week.

This morning, I ran a couple of miles then I took my first pilates class. This was my first time taking pilates and it was AMAZING!!! It was like meditating and exercising at the same time. It was challenging, but since my focus was on my form and breathing, I didn't think too much about anything else. When I did lose focus, I would think about how it was my first time and would start negative self-talk, such as "I have no idea what I'm doing" and "This teacher probably thinks I'm an idiot". That voice came and went a couple of times throughout the hour, but I think I did a good job refocusing on my breathing and form. When I was fully focused in the class, the voice would go away. Realizing this now is going to benefit me greatly when I start getting into my longer runs and other difficult parts of my training. In addition to my physical training, I need to be just as dedicated to my mental training. This means finding a focus/refocus plan that works for me and practicing it every time I exercise.

New Goals

I was feeling pretty impulsive this past Sunday and made it my goal to find a 1/2 Marathon to run before the end of the year. I started my search in Northern California, but there was nowhere that I was interested in running...not as my first 1/2 anyway. My options were Livermore (NO THANK YOU), Petaluma (I'll be out of town for that one), and Lake Tahoe (beautiful, but I think adding altitude to my first 1/2 would be a bit much). I was getting discouraged, but still determined to find a run before 2012. Searching...searching...searching...Las Vegas Rock N' Roll 1/2 Marathon on Dec 4, 2011!!! I couldn't think of a better race for my first 1/2. I looked into the details of the run and I got even more excited. The race starts at 5:30pm and the course runs along Las Vegas Blvd. From Mandalay Bay down to the Golden Nugget and back. This means I will be running under the lights on the strip! Oh, and live music every mile...talk about some motivation.

I took about 30 minutes to decide if this was something I was ready to commit to and before I knew it, I was paying for my registration! It took me even less time to book flights, which I'm a little less excited about...Spirit Airlines? Really?

I have wanted to run a Marathon for years, but have always been too scared to commit to it. A couple of months ago, a friend of mine was going through a difficult time in her life and I told her I would run a Marathon with her in October...well, we never signed up and we both ended up slacking off on the training and wouldn't you know it, October is just around the corner. I started thinking about how to set myself up to succeed rather than to fail. This is when I decided that it would be more beneficial for me to start out running a 1/2 Marathon before I double that mileage. With that, I believe I've set myself up for a physical and mental challenge that will make me stronger. These next 3 months are going to be difficult with training, but I'm ready for it. I started this week and have slowly been getting myself back in shape (I haven't ran since I left Boston...2 months ago!). I've done incline walking intervals, light jogs, and a spin class this morning. So far, so good. I'm taking this week to get my body used to moving again and next week I start racking up the mileage. I will be posting as often as I can to document my training process.

Stay tuned...

Balance

Balance is tough for me right now...well, not only right now, but always. With most things, I start out at full speed and with the best of intentions, but if something doesn't go according to plan, it's difficult for me to get back on track without over analyzing each piece and eventually just turns into a lot of negative self-talk. I understand these setbacks are only opportunities to learn and will make me stronger in my task the next time I am challenged with it, but I really let them get to me. To me they are mistakes, not learning opportunities. I feel embarrassed when I make a mistake, yet I understand completely when this happens to others. It seems as if I have a lack of compassion toward myself. Well, not as if...I do.
It is difficult to go any other speed than TURBO...if I go slow, I want to go faster or do more, push myself. Balance. I will find balance. I will be nicer to myself (I've mentioned this before) and allow myself some wiggle room with my goals. If there is a setback, I will only go back one step not the entire journey. I will TRY to be honest with my self-talk and not so critical. I will see learning opportunities for myself as I do with others. If I am not able to do all of these things, I will come back and read this entry and remind myself that it is not a brick wall that I have run into, but only a small bump in the road.

Clarity 2.0

Over the past couple of days, I've started running again and eating when and how I should. No more eating out nearly every meal, no more bagel sandwiches for breakfast, fried foods, and a pint of delicious beer with every meal (that part I miss the most). As I've been getting back into my routine, my thoughts have become more rational and realistic and not so emotional. I have thought a lot about my last post and re-read it a number of times and realized I portrayed my situation a lot more negative than it actually is. There is so much positive in where I am and what I'm doing with my life and at my job. I'm not going to list off all the reasons, but I know I'm doing meaningful, purposeful work and with the most supportive team that I have ever known. No, it's not what I set out to do, but I will be much happier if I look at my life with a different perspective. I also know that in order to get everything I want, I will have to work harder to make it happen and I am already making changes and prepared for what's to come.

When I return to work on Monday, I will continue to give my all just as I always have, but I will also give full focus to making fitness training and mental skills training a bigger part of my life.

Exercise goal for the day: I will run at least 5 miles.

Do what you like, like what you do

It's been over 2 months since I've written in my "journal". I stopped writing when things were going really well for me. I was running and exercising consistently and I guess I just didn't think I needed to write about things when they were positive. But, when I started working more hours to prepare for my vacation (~60/week), I stopped being consistent with my exercise routine and I didn't want to document that either. Part of the reason I started this blog is to be real with myself about the ups and downs of being consistent. So now a couple of months later, I'm being real with myself about my feelings of physical fitness and it's priority in my life.

Most recently I gave myself the excuse that I didn't have the time to exercise (or to write), all I had time to do was to work. I'd physically work during the day and I'd come home and think about it during the evening, then on top of that, I'd dream about it at night. I knew that I needed to make time to exercise to help let go of some of the chaos, but I was just too tired. I was mentally exhausted. Fast forward to my 3 week vacation...

My first day in Boston, we go into the Life Is Good store. What a great store, by the way. Filled with one line cliches about what we all need to remember and be appreciative for. I'm walking around and feeling optimistic (I even bought a bumper sticker to let people know I'm "powered by optimism") when I saw a coffee cup that reads "do what you like, like what you do". Since then, I've been thinking about my current job and trying my best to be honest with myself about my happiness there. Once again, it's been taking over and mentally exhausting me, except this time I have been making time to exercise and in doing this I had a lot of time to think clearly. It really didn't take me long to realize that I already know that what really makes me happy. It's what I went to school for...exercise science and sport psychology.
 

Gratification

It is so frustrating to work so hard at something and not see any rewards. Delayed gratification is overrated. I want instant gratification. I am tired of working and working and working at something and not being compensated...financially, emotionally, physically. I have taken incredible steps toward accomplishing my goals and it seems like something is always there to push me back. I feel like my life is a representation of perseverance and adversity. I want to know that my work is being seen and heard. I know that I need to be happy with what I have and there are less fortunate people out there...it's difficult. I have goals that I want to achieve and I work hard toward them. Nothing is happening. I am sick of having to work harder...I am sick of doing these things alone. Three different areas of my life are at a stand still right now and I need to make things move. I am not seeing any weight loss and I have been giving incredible efforts, I have a personal relationship that has so much tension that I've created and brought to the surface again, and I don't feel I will ever make the amount of money that I deserve or am worth. I am constantly trying to find ways to make these things better and just seem to be spinning my wheels. Maybe I feel the need to try and fix everything, like these things need to be fixed. In my opinion, they do. I need to fix the way I see myself, I need to fix an important relationship, and I need to fix my financial situation. Yes, I'm a fixer. I want to make things better now!!!
This brings me to my battle with what I can control and what I cannot. I cannot control the other end of the relationship. I have put out what I had to say and I was honest with my feelings. Whether it was accepted, heard, or understood is not on me anymore. I need to do more work with accepting myself and the way I see myself and although I think that physically changing will increase positive thoughts, it's not the only thing I can do to feel better about myself. As far as my financial aspirations...well, I feel hopeless. There are some things that I can do and am doing to make things easier for myself, but they aren't moving as fast as I'd like them to...wait, I'M not moving as fast as I'd like to. I'm trying to figure out a balance between giving my all and feeling like I always could have given more. Because if I always give my all, I have nowhere to grow and can feel like a failure if something is not achieved. If I always feel like I could have given more, I will feel like I never reach my goals and again, feel like a failure.
I worked out yesterday with the intent to change my mind/body state and it did very little, although there was a some change. I usually feel a bigger difference after I workout. Not yesterday...this stuff is weighing on me pretty heavy right now and all I want is for things to be a little easier.
Positively, I will not let these things get me down. I will continue to work hard no matter what the outcome. I am very determined and I will make sure that I will do what is in my control. I can still go to the gym, I can still be open if my mother ever chooses to speak to me again, and I can continue to work hard for a better financial future. I will continue to be positive even though things are rough. There are learning opportunities here and I will choose to see them. I am stronger now than I was when I began writing this...for that, I am proud.

What to DO?

Yesterday was a bit difficult. After a long day at work, I wanted to go home. I had almost talked myself out of going to the gym (it's too late, I haven't eaten, I'm not going to have enough time, I'll do double tomorrow, etc.) when I knew that I had to go. I was not happy about it, it's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to think about it at home, but I knew I was dealing with a pattern of mine, Thinking instead of Doing. I chose to DO.
I remember in grad school having to write a reflection paper on DOcisions, a corny word representing turning one's decisions into action. The doing. I have lots of things that run through my head that I rarely act on or are consistent with. PhD programs, completing a 1/2 marathon, completing a full marathon, losing weight and embracing a healthier lifestyle, making brochures and building a website for my consulting services, all of which would benefit me greatly but I don't DO I think. Last night I DOcided to go to the gym, even if it was only for 30 minutes. When I completed my measly 30 minutes, I felt a lot better than I know I would have if I had not gone at all.
Today I have an appointment with my personal trainer. 1 full hour of strength training preceded by 1/2 hour of cardio. I can't wait!!!

What a Feeling!!!

I started with a personal trainer today. I am incredibly pleased with myself that I made the decision to ask for help. I understand that I do not have the internal motivation to see my goals through, but with help I will be able to do this. I need someone to hold me accountable, to help keep me focused, and to support me in my pursuit for a more active and healthy lifestyle. I struggle with consistency...this will help me be consistent. I know I will be able to reach my goals now, not because I'm relying on someone else, but because I've asked for help and I'm not trying to do everything myself.

Setting Limits with Myself

I received a book that referenced Self-Defeating Behaviors. I have yet to read it. I know what my self-defeating behavior is and I'm ready to stop. "STOP IT!!!" is what I want to say to myself. I have a lot of positive things going on in my life right now, but this one thing is hindering me and my progress from where I want to be and who I want to be. Money, time, and energy are all being wasted. I could be doing many more productive things with my time. I have so many goals and yet I choose to hold myself back from being successful. I have set this limit with myself in the past about variations of this behavior, but this has been the hardest. It's time to change. I must start taking better care of myself, mentally and physically. By eliminating this behavior, that can and will happen. I have been wanting to take this step for some time now.
I am making this sound like it's not a big deal, like it's just something that I can instantly change, but it's difficult. It is a pattern, a coping strategy, an addiction. It is the catalyst to all of my other self-defeating behaviors. This change is going to take a lot of work, focus, determination, forgiveness, and patience. I believe I am ready to take on this challenge but I'm scared. I'm scared that I will fail. I'm scared that I will realize that I don't have the ability to fully focus on my goals. I'm scared that I will have to defend myself and my choice. I'm scared that I won't be understood. I'm scared that if I don't take on this challenge that everything I've worked so hard for will fall apart.

An Effort to be Positive

It's been awhile since I've written anything down. I believe this is because I haven't been doing anything. I have slacked off with some of the goals I have set for myself and it has gotten me down in the dumps.

Today, I'm ready to go!!! I'm taking small steps to get me through the day, one decision at a time, and I know I'll make it. A couple of food decisions I made today were to eat a banana instead of oatmeal made with milk and brown sugar. I chose an apple instead of mozzarella sticks...THAT was a tough one! I love me some deep fried cheese. One step at a time. That's all I can do.

Today's Focus: Make good decisions.

Spun

I think too much. Some people would say that it's a good thing and in most cases, I agree. My thinking is preventing me from being present. I find myself over planning as a way of procrastinating. I have to figure everything out before I do something, when if I just do it, things will be fine. I like to plan, to set goals, to make sure I will be able to succeed. I have been told many times throughout my life, "think before you speak, think before you act". I am taking this saying to a whole new level! One of the annoyances of my over planning is when something does not go as planned, I tend to overreact or...well, I have trouble improvising and this is when I find myself putting in little effort, giving up, or quitting. I believe I have just discovered another one of my defense mechanisms. I have my goals for today, just as I did yesterday but right now I am not present...I am thinking about the sequence of things to come. I'm planning out how long my workout is going to be and whether or not I will have time to make a specific something for dinner. Will I have enough time to stop by the market and is that going to put me behind schedule for getting to bed on time? Oh my gosh, what if I get a Netflix movie tonight? Is there going to be enough time to watch that? If it doesn't get in the mail tomorrow, I won't get one for Saturday night.
Now that I've written down my sequence of thoughts, I'm feeling pretty neurotic. It's not that I stress about these little questions, but my mind is so busy with this stuff. That's what it is. stuff.

Today's Focus: Find a balance between achieving goals and enjoying the moment.

Monday is a Motivator

Monday: A day to set goals.
My exercise goals for the week: Cardio x 4 days. Strength Training x 2 - 3 days.
My food goals are: No fast food. Alcohol on Friday only. Lots of vegetables, the green ones!
My personal goals are: Be nice to myself. Ask for help. Stay present. Meditate. Research consulting opportunities.

I have set appropriate goals for the week. I think I could be more specific about some of them, but I'm not trying to set myself up. I will start with these and evaluate throughout the week. I need to have daily check-ins with myself so I do not get discouraged and fall behind. I will need to take time tonight and make some food to take with me to work. I will need to go to bed on time so I get up on time. I need to get up on time so I can eat breakfast at home instead of  at work.

How am I going to evaluate my personal goals? I will keep track of how many times I have negative thoughts about myself and my actions. I will be aware of my self-talk...is it helpful, is it positive, is it critical, what are my self-talk patterns? If I don't get out of bed on time, how will I treat myself...will I trash the rest of my goals because of that one unmet goal? Evaluating whether or not I'm asking for help is a little more difficult to track. I need to be honest with myself and the emotions I'm having. My pattern is to take care of everything myself and tell everyone "I'm fine". I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings or problems, so I say "I'm fine". Today, I am doing well and that's honest. But, it's early and things can change. If and when they do, I will try my best to acknowledge my feelings and get support.

Clear, positive and attainable goals. Check.

Scatterbrain

I woke up very motivated today. I am on task as far as work, food, and exercise. The things that I was worried about yesterday have come and gone and I am feeling much more positive again. I've been thinking lately that I need to take a more active role in making positive changes in my life. I have been working hard to take care of myself physically and mentally, but there are some things that I feel I have not challenged myself enough at. I'm talking about my personal potential as a sport psychology consultant. I believe that I have a lot of potential, but I am fearful that I will give my all and I will not be rewarded. And I mean financially and emotionally rewarded. I have these thoughts quite a bit and it's difficult finding a balance between being satisfied and embracing where I am in my career and striving for something more. I do not want to feel as if I settled, as if there was more for me to give. Right now, I feel I have more. But, what if I am wrong? What if nobody sees my potential or gives me a chance? This fear keeps me from moving forward. REJECTION. What an ugly word. Fear of rejection. So, what are the steps I need to take in challenging myself and my fears. I need to put myself out there. I want to delete this entry. Do I take little steps and face the possibility of selling myself short? A giant step would be a set up. I need to find somewhere in between that will challenge me but I would still feel confident in my work. Let the challenge begin.

Today's Focus: Be nice to myself.

Reflections

It's the end of my day and there's so much to process from what happened. I usually write in the morning when things seem fresh and I have a goal for the day. Today, I'm writing when things have already happened. There's a part of me that wants to reflect and analyze the happenings of the day, but the other part of me wants to move forward, get a good nights sleep and think about what I'm going to be doing tomorrow.
So, I do want to quickly reflect today. I spent most of my morning in fear of something that was unknown. I was embarrassed of my feelings because to me, it's not necessary to be scared of something that is not yet known to be true. I felt stupid, but I WAS scared. Turns out, there was nothing to worry about. I received results that state I am "normal", or at least my brain is. My day following that phone call was easy. I was back in my "in the moment" mentality and I felt I role modelled that well.
Today taught me that I need to set my goals in the morning instead of going though my day and analyzing what I could have done differently. Tomorrow, I will get up and plan my day. I will have a focus and I will have goals. I will do my best to meet my goals and I will hold myself accountable.
Tonight, I will go to bed and get some sleep.

Make My Day

Today is going to be a good day. Not like the good day where everything goes your way, but the kind where you make the choices that determine a good day vs. a bad day. I'm doing everything within my control to make it that way. It started last night when I got some encouragement to go to the gym when all I felt like doing was being negative and going home. Exercising didn't magically make my troubles fade away, but it reminded me that I am in control. I was not going to let my emotions make my decisions for me and I didn't. So, even though I felt kinda "poopy", I still took care of my body and indirectly, my mind.
I'm still feeling a bit negative today, but I know what it's about and it's not in my control. I'm going to continue my focus from yesterday and STAY PRESENT! If I continue to make positive choices, I know my day will be a good one. A good day does not mean it's going to be all puppies and butterflies or rainbows and happy beans, it means you've made the best choices that you could make. My day is in my control and my day is going to be a good one.

Van Halen

I've got to start over again. After a weekend of indulgence (I didn't do THAT bad), it's time to regain focus and get back to business. I'm having a difficult time with my guilt about eating and drinking over the weekend. I ate things that I wouldn't normally eat and drinking definitely doesn't help with my goal of losing weight. It wasn't all bad though...I made some really good choices as well, but I'm stuck on trying to fix the things that I can't change. I ate bad, drank too much, and didn't exercise. The excuse that I was out of town just isn't good enough for me, but if someone else came to me with this story I wouldn't let them be so negative about it!!! I need to start being a little nicer to myself.
So, what would I tell someone else? "No big deal, it's a small setback, but let's get started again. Read what you've been writing about to help remind you that it's not that difficult once you get going and you always feel better both physically and mentally when you're done."
My quote of the day is "A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity, while an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty." To be honest, I'm feeling pessimistic today. I'm not seeing any opportunity, but I can see the difficulty in everything very clear right now. I just want to take a big ol' nap! But NOOOOO, I'm going to keep on going. Time to role model. Time to be present.

Today's Focus: Be present! Make the choice to be right here, right now.

Expectations

I try my best not to expect others to do something if I am not willing to do it myself. I think of myself as a role model, not only at work but in society as well. I am constantly trying to be a teacher. I teach my students at school and in turn they teach me some things as well, although I don't let them know that...all the time. I need to keep the upper ground somehow!
When I was young, I never wanted to be a teacher because I didn't want to be responsible for others' actions. I now look at the word teacher in a much different light...that it's not just a person in a classroom. Everyone is a teacher to somebody, but I have chosen not only to see it that way, but to act on that as well. I try and act as if someone is watching, which means the potential of learning is there. By exercising, meditating, and eating healthy, I am exemplifying self-care. I don't necessarily have to lecture people about all of the benefits that come along with these things because it will show on it's own. I cannot expect others to take care of themselves if I am not taking care of me. If I expect others to take risks and be vulnerable, then I too shall do the same.

Today's Focus: What do I expect of others? What can others expect of me?

My Work

It was a difficult evening at the gym last night. I made it through, although I did attempt to talk myself out of it the entire drive. 30 quick minutes on the treadmill. That's it, but I'll be back at it today!
As I'm writing this, I'm debating what and how much I should share. Should I talk about my feelings? About my anxiety? Well, for some reflection to happen I better write it down so I can process.
1. Home visit this weekend.
2. Dr. appointment tomorrow.
I always get anxious when I know I have to go "home", and I try to avoid it as much as possible. The same feelings come up when I have to see the doctor. When seeing your family and seeing the doctor bring up the same issues...well I don't have anything positive to say about that.

Today's focus: Control what you can control. Don't worry about the things you can't.

I don't think I can be any more clear!

Feelings

I am writing this in an attempt to help myself stay motivated not only with exercise, but with other aspects of my life as well. I am writing this to help myself understand what difficulties arise when a person is faced with their patterns and wants to work on them. I am writing this to help myself become a better sport psychologist. I am writing this to develop a better sense of compassion. I am writing this to become less judgemental. I am writing this so I have something to look back on and remind me of what a particular day felt like and how I worked through it. I am sharing this because maybe someone else has felt the same way before.

All it takes is one

I figured something out today. Daft Punk and Prodigy are great motivators. There is nothing like walking, no wait, strutting on the treadmill while visualizing yourself in the middle of a rave. But, it wasn't all easy.

My procrastination kicked in as soon as I parked my car at the gym. I found myself checking my phone, cleaning out my purse, rearranging things in my car. As if it makes a difference whether my flip-flops are behind the driver seat or passenger seat. I finally kicked myself in the ass and got out of the car, and as soon as I got inside I started chatting it up with my friends behind the desk. Holy Crap...I'm really good at procrastinating. But, as soon as I changed I was ready to get stuff done. It was getting started that was the hardest part.

Once I was on the treadie, all was good. I had PTI on the TV, Daft Punk on the iPod, and I was in my routine. Time flew by and next it was time for my strength training. Slow, methodical, mechanically correct, strength training, but I was on a roll. By this point, I was feeling great. I was back in action. I took my headphones out while lifting weights so I could increase my focus and it felt good...real good.

Tomorrow's Plan: Do it again!

A Motivational Rant

I haven't written in over 2 months. I also haven't been exercising in about that long either, but I've been thinking about both. That's my thing with exercise...I think, I plan, I lack in the execution. I do really well at setting goals, but am easily distracted and can create excuses that leave me with no time to exercise. Well, wouldn't you have it that I have a NEW reason to be motivated...a summer vacation!
The vacation is 3.5 months away. I have 30 lbs to eliminate. I did the math and it calculates to about 1.94 lbs per week. Each day, I have a specific amount of cardio that I need to complete. I have given myself a day of the week to rest. I have even planned the times to be at the gym, specific machines to use, and how many repetitions. And now, here comes my reality. I MUST workout after work everyday. This sounds very achievable as I'm typing, yet when 5:00p rolls around and I'm driving home, I just want to get home. Then I skip a day, thinking that I'll be motivated the next day, bargaining with myself, blah blah blah.
This cycle is something that I have been battling for quite some time and it's not just with exercise. Staying motivated is difficult. Staying motivated throughout the day is difficult.
Another thing I tend to do is think "it would be easier if..." IF WHAT??? Geez, I just need to do this now.
Today's plan: 20 minutes of Strength Training, 10 minutes of Abs, and finally 30 minutes of Cardio. I'll be on the treadmill, moving my legs and going nowhere...literally, and hopefully not figuratively as well.
Rainbows and Happy Beans, people!