Gratification

It is so frustrating to work so hard at something and not see any rewards. Delayed gratification is overrated. I want instant gratification. I am tired of working and working and working at something and not being compensated...financially, emotionally, physically. I have taken incredible steps toward accomplishing my goals and it seems like something is always there to push me back. I feel like my life is a representation of perseverance and adversity. I want to know that my work is being seen and heard. I know that I need to be happy with what I have and there are less fortunate people out there...it's difficult. I have goals that I want to achieve and I work hard toward them. Nothing is happening. I am sick of having to work harder...I am sick of doing these things alone. Three different areas of my life are at a stand still right now and I need to make things move. I am not seeing any weight loss and I have been giving incredible efforts, I have a personal relationship that has so much tension that I've created and brought to the surface again, and I don't feel I will ever make the amount of money that I deserve or am worth. I am constantly trying to find ways to make these things better and just seem to be spinning my wheels. Maybe I feel the need to try and fix everything, like these things need to be fixed. In my opinion, they do. I need to fix the way I see myself, I need to fix an important relationship, and I need to fix my financial situation. Yes, I'm a fixer. I want to make things better now!!!
This brings me to my battle with what I can control and what I cannot. I cannot control the other end of the relationship. I have put out what I had to say and I was honest with my feelings. Whether it was accepted, heard, or understood is not on me anymore. I need to do more work with accepting myself and the way I see myself and although I think that physically changing will increase positive thoughts, it's not the only thing I can do to feel better about myself. As far as my financial aspirations...well, I feel hopeless. There are some things that I can do and am doing to make things easier for myself, but they aren't moving as fast as I'd like them to...wait, I'M not moving as fast as I'd like to. I'm trying to figure out a balance between giving my all and feeling like I always could have given more. Because if I always give my all, I have nowhere to grow and can feel like a failure if something is not achieved. If I always feel like I could have given more, I will feel like I never reach my goals and again, feel like a failure.
I worked out yesterday with the intent to change my mind/body state and it did very little, although there was a some change. I usually feel a bigger difference after I workout. Not yesterday...this stuff is weighing on me pretty heavy right now and all I want is for things to be a little easier.
Positively, I will not let these things get me down. I will continue to work hard no matter what the outcome. I am very determined and I will make sure that I will do what is in my control. I can still go to the gym, I can still be open if my mother ever chooses to speak to me again, and I can continue to work hard for a better financial future. I will continue to be positive even though things are rough. There are learning opportunities here and I will choose to see them. I am stronger now than I was when I began writing this...for that, I am proud.

What to DO?

Yesterday was a bit difficult. After a long day at work, I wanted to go home. I had almost talked myself out of going to the gym (it's too late, I haven't eaten, I'm not going to have enough time, I'll do double tomorrow, etc.) when I knew that I had to go. I was not happy about it, it's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to think about it at home, but I knew I was dealing with a pattern of mine, Thinking instead of Doing. I chose to DO.
I remember in grad school having to write a reflection paper on DOcisions, a corny word representing turning one's decisions into action. The doing. I have lots of things that run through my head that I rarely act on or are consistent with. PhD programs, completing a 1/2 marathon, completing a full marathon, losing weight and embracing a healthier lifestyle, making brochures and building a website for my consulting services, all of which would benefit me greatly but I don't DO I think. Last night I DOcided to go to the gym, even if it was only for 30 minutes. When I completed my measly 30 minutes, I felt a lot better than I know I would have if I had not gone at all.
Today I have an appointment with my personal trainer. 1 full hour of strength training preceded by 1/2 hour of cardio. I can't wait!!!

What a Feeling!!!

I started with a personal trainer today. I am incredibly pleased with myself that I made the decision to ask for help. I understand that I do not have the internal motivation to see my goals through, but with help I will be able to do this. I need someone to hold me accountable, to help keep me focused, and to support me in my pursuit for a more active and healthy lifestyle. I struggle with consistency...this will help me be consistent. I know I will be able to reach my goals now, not because I'm relying on someone else, but because I've asked for help and I'm not trying to do everything myself.

Setting Limits with Myself

I received a book that referenced Self-Defeating Behaviors. I have yet to read it. I know what my self-defeating behavior is and I'm ready to stop. "STOP IT!!!" is what I want to say to myself. I have a lot of positive things going on in my life right now, but this one thing is hindering me and my progress from where I want to be and who I want to be. Money, time, and energy are all being wasted. I could be doing many more productive things with my time. I have so many goals and yet I choose to hold myself back from being successful. I have set this limit with myself in the past about variations of this behavior, but this has been the hardest. It's time to change. I must start taking better care of myself, mentally and physically. By eliminating this behavior, that can and will happen. I have been wanting to take this step for some time now.
I am making this sound like it's not a big deal, like it's just something that I can instantly change, but it's difficult. It is a pattern, a coping strategy, an addiction. It is the catalyst to all of my other self-defeating behaviors. This change is going to take a lot of work, focus, determination, forgiveness, and patience. I believe I am ready to take on this challenge but I'm scared. I'm scared that I will fail. I'm scared that I will realize that I don't have the ability to fully focus on my goals. I'm scared that I will have to defend myself and my choice. I'm scared that I won't be understood. I'm scared that if I don't take on this challenge that everything I've worked so hard for will fall apart.

An Effort to be Positive

It's been awhile since I've written anything down. I believe this is because I haven't been doing anything. I have slacked off with some of the goals I have set for myself and it has gotten me down in the dumps.

Today, I'm ready to go!!! I'm taking small steps to get me through the day, one decision at a time, and I know I'll make it. A couple of food decisions I made today were to eat a banana instead of oatmeal made with milk and brown sugar. I chose an apple instead of mozzarella sticks...THAT was a tough one! I love me some deep fried cheese. One step at a time. That's all I can do.

Today's Focus: Make good decisions.

Spun

I think too much. Some people would say that it's a good thing and in most cases, I agree. My thinking is preventing me from being present. I find myself over planning as a way of procrastinating. I have to figure everything out before I do something, when if I just do it, things will be fine. I like to plan, to set goals, to make sure I will be able to succeed. I have been told many times throughout my life, "think before you speak, think before you act". I am taking this saying to a whole new level! One of the annoyances of my over planning is when something does not go as planned, I tend to overreact or...well, I have trouble improvising and this is when I find myself putting in little effort, giving up, or quitting. I believe I have just discovered another one of my defense mechanisms. I have my goals for today, just as I did yesterday but right now I am not present...I am thinking about the sequence of things to come. I'm planning out how long my workout is going to be and whether or not I will have time to make a specific something for dinner. Will I have enough time to stop by the market and is that going to put me behind schedule for getting to bed on time? Oh my gosh, what if I get a Netflix movie tonight? Is there going to be enough time to watch that? If it doesn't get in the mail tomorrow, I won't get one for Saturday night.
Now that I've written down my sequence of thoughts, I'm feeling pretty neurotic. It's not that I stress about these little questions, but my mind is so busy with this stuff. That's what it is. stuff.

Today's Focus: Find a balance between achieving goals and enjoying the moment.

Monday is a Motivator

Monday: A day to set goals.
My exercise goals for the week: Cardio x 4 days. Strength Training x 2 - 3 days.
My food goals are: No fast food. Alcohol on Friday only. Lots of vegetables, the green ones!
My personal goals are: Be nice to myself. Ask for help. Stay present. Meditate. Research consulting opportunities.

I have set appropriate goals for the week. I think I could be more specific about some of them, but I'm not trying to set myself up. I will start with these and evaluate throughout the week. I need to have daily check-ins with myself so I do not get discouraged and fall behind. I will need to take time tonight and make some food to take with me to work. I will need to go to bed on time so I get up on time. I need to get up on time so I can eat breakfast at home instead of  at work.

How am I going to evaluate my personal goals? I will keep track of how many times I have negative thoughts about myself and my actions. I will be aware of my self-talk...is it helpful, is it positive, is it critical, what are my self-talk patterns? If I don't get out of bed on time, how will I treat myself...will I trash the rest of my goals because of that one unmet goal? Evaluating whether or not I'm asking for help is a little more difficult to track. I need to be honest with myself and the emotions I'm having. My pattern is to take care of everything myself and tell everyone "I'm fine". I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings or problems, so I say "I'm fine". Today, I am doing well and that's honest. But, it's early and things can change. If and when they do, I will try my best to acknowledge my feelings and get support.

Clear, positive and attainable goals. Check.