Balance

Balance is tough for me right now...well, not only right now, but always. With most things, I start out at full speed and with the best of intentions, but if something doesn't go according to plan, it's difficult for me to get back on track without over analyzing each piece and eventually just turns into a lot of negative self-talk. I understand these setbacks are only opportunities to learn and will make me stronger in my task the next time I am challenged with it, but I really let them get to me. To me they are mistakes, not learning opportunities. I feel embarrassed when I make a mistake, yet I understand completely when this happens to others. It seems as if I have a lack of compassion toward myself. Well, not as if...I do.
It is difficult to go any other speed than TURBO...if I go slow, I want to go faster or do more, push myself. Balance. I will find balance. I will be nicer to myself (I've mentioned this before) and allow myself some wiggle room with my goals. If there is a setback, I will only go back one step not the entire journey. I will TRY to be honest with my self-talk and not so critical. I will see learning opportunities for myself as I do with others. If I am not able to do all of these things, I will come back and read this entry and remind myself that it is not a brick wall that I have run into, but only a small bump in the road.

Clarity 2.0

Over the past couple of days, I've started running again and eating when and how I should. No more eating out nearly every meal, no more bagel sandwiches for breakfast, fried foods, and a pint of delicious beer with every meal (that part I miss the most). As I've been getting back into my routine, my thoughts have become more rational and realistic and not so emotional. I have thought a lot about my last post and re-read it a number of times and realized I portrayed my situation a lot more negative than it actually is. There is so much positive in where I am and what I'm doing with my life and at my job. I'm not going to list off all the reasons, but I know I'm doing meaningful, purposeful work and with the most supportive team that I have ever known. No, it's not what I set out to do, but I will be much happier if I look at my life with a different perspective. I also know that in order to get everything I want, I will have to work harder to make it happen and I am already making changes and prepared for what's to come.

When I return to work on Monday, I will continue to give my all just as I always have, but I will also give full focus to making fitness training and mental skills training a bigger part of my life.

Exercise goal for the day: I will run at least 5 miles.

Do what you like, like what you do

It's been over 2 months since I've written in my "journal". I stopped writing when things were going really well for me. I was running and exercising consistently and I guess I just didn't think I needed to write about things when they were positive. But, when I started working more hours to prepare for my vacation (~60/week), I stopped being consistent with my exercise routine and I didn't want to document that either. Part of the reason I started this blog is to be real with myself about the ups and downs of being consistent. So now a couple of months later, I'm being real with myself about my feelings of physical fitness and it's priority in my life.

Most recently I gave myself the excuse that I didn't have the time to exercise (or to write), all I had time to do was to work. I'd physically work during the day and I'd come home and think about it during the evening, then on top of that, I'd dream about it at night. I knew that I needed to make time to exercise to help let go of some of the chaos, but I was just too tired. I was mentally exhausted. Fast forward to my 3 week vacation...

My first day in Boston, we go into the Life Is Good store. What a great store, by the way. Filled with one line cliches about what we all need to remember and be appreciative for. I'm walking around and feeling optimistic (I even bought a bumper sticker to let people know I'm "powered by optimism") when I saw a coffee cup that reads "do what you like, like what you do". Since then, I've been thinking about my current job and trying my best to be honest with myself about my happiness there. Once again, it's been taking over and mentally exhausting me, except this time I have been making time to exercise and in doing this I had a lot of time to think clearly. It really didn't take me long to realize that I already know that what really makes me happy. It's what I went to school for...exercise science and sport psychology.
 

Gratification

It is so frustrating to work so hard at something and not see any rewards. Delayed gratification is overrated. I want instant gratification. I am tired of working and working and working at something and not being compensated...financially, emotionally, physically. I have taken incredible steps toward accomplishing my goals and it seems like something is always there to push me back. I feel like my life is a representation of perseverance and adversity. I want to know that my work is being seen and heard. I know that I need to be happy with what I have and there are less fortunate people out there...it's difficult. I have goals that I want to achieve and I work hard toward them. Nothing is happening. I am sick of having to work harder...I am sick of doing these things alone. Three different areas of my life are at a stand still right now and I need to make things move. I am not seeing any weight loss and I have been giving incredible efforts, I have a personal relationship that has so much tension that I've created and brought to the surface again, and I don't feel I will ever make the amount of money that I deserve or am worth. I am constantly trying to find ways to make these things better and just seem to be spinning my wheels. Maybe I feel the need to try and fix everything, like these things need to be fixed. In my opinion, they do. I need to fix the way I see myself, I need to fix an important relationship, and I need to fix my financial situation. Yes, I'm a fixer. I want to make things better now!!!
This brings me to my battle with what I can control and what I cannot. I cannot control the other end of the relationship. I have put out what I had to say and I was honest with my feelings. Whether it was accepted, heard, or understood is not on me anymore. I need to do more work with accepting myself and the way I see myself and although I think that physically changing will increase positive thoughts, it's not the only thing I can do to feel better about myself. As far as my financial aspirations...well, I feel hopeless. There are some things that I can do and am doing to make things easier for myself, but they aren't moving as fast as I'd like them to...wait, I'M not moving as fast as I'd like to. I'm trying to figure out a balance between giving my all and feeling like I always could have given more. Because if I always give my all, I have nowhere to grow and can feel like a failure if something is not achieved. If I always feel like I could have given more, I will feel like I never reach my goals and again, feel like a failure.
I worked out yesterday with the intent to change my mind/body state and it did very little, although there was a some change. I usually feel a bigger difference after I workout. Not yesterday...this stuff is weighing on me pretty heavy right now and all I want is for things to be a little easier.
Positively, I will not let these things get me down. I will continue to work hard no matter what the outcome. I am very determined and I will make sure that I will do what is in my control. I can still go to the gym, I can still be open if my mother ever chooses to speak to me again, and I can continue to work hard for a better financial future. I will continue to be positive even though things are rough. There are learning opportunities here and I will choose to see them. I am stronger now than I was when I began writing this...for that, I am proud.

What to DO?

Yesterday was a bit difficult. After a long day at work, I wanted to go home. I had almost talked myself out of going to the gym (it's too late, I haven't eaten, I'm not going to have enough time, I'll do double tomorrow, etc.) when I knew that I had to go. I was not happy about it, it's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to think about it at home, but I knew I was dealing with a pattern of mine, Thinking instead of Doing. I chose to DO.
I remember in grad school having to write a reflection paper on DOcisions, a corny word representing turning one's decisions into action. The doing. I have lots of things that run through my head that I rarely act on or are consistent with. PhD programs, completing a 1/2 marathon, completing a full marathon, losing weight and embracing a healthier lifestyle, making brochures and building a website for my consulting services, all of which would benefit me greatly but I don't DO I think. Last night I DOcided to go to the gym, even if it was only for 30 minutes. When I completed my measly 30 minutes, I felt a lot better than I know I would have if I had not gone at all.
Today I have an appointment with my personal trainer. 1 full hour of strength training preceded by 1/2 hour of cardio. I can't wait!!!

What a Feeling!!!

I started with a personal trainer today. I am incredibly pleased with myself that I made the decision to ask for help. I understand that I do not have the internal motivation to see my goals through, but with help I will be able to do this. I need someone to hold me accountable, to help keep me focused, and to support me in my pursuit for a more active and healthy lifestyle. I struggle with consistency...this will help me be consistent. I know I will be able to reach my goals now, not because I'm relying on someone else, but because I've asked for help and I'm not trying to do everything myself.

Setting Limits with Myself

I received a book that referenced Self-Defeating Behaviors. I have yet to read it. I know what my self-defeating behavior is and I'm ready to stop. "STOP IT!!!" is what I want to say to myself. I have a lot of positive things going on in my life right now, but this one thing is hindering me and my progress from where I want to be and who I want to be. Money, time, and energy are all being wasted. I could be doing many more productive things with my time. I have so many goals and yet I choose to hold myself back from being successful. I have set this limit with myself in the past about variations of this behavior, but this has been the hardest. It's time to change. I must start taking better care of myself, mentally and physically. By eliminating this behavior, that can and will happen. I have been wanting to take this step for some time now.
I am making this sound like it's not a big deal, like it's just something that I can instantly change, but it's difficult. It is a pattern, a coping strategy, an addiction. It is the catalyst to all of my other self-defeating behaviors. This change is going to take a lot of work, focus, determination, forgiveness, and patience. I believe I am ready to take on this challenge but I'm scared. I'm scared that I will fail. I'm scared that I will realize that I don't have the ability to fully focus on my goals. I'm scared that I will have to defend myself and my choice. I'm scared that I won't be understood. I'm scared that if I don't take on this challenge that everything I've worked so hard for will fall apart.